I get mail – BOOBIES!

Whilst I will confess to some name calling in the past, I’ve always tried to couple it with some kind of reasonable argument. Yet there are a few times people tell me something that is just so not even wrong that it’s hard to do little more than stand there, jaw on the floor. I feel like sharing this experience, so here is one such comment I got the other day.

Why do adolescent girls have such pert boobies? According to someone in the thread below, it’s to advertise the fact they haven’t got up the duff yet and still have all their baby making years ahead of them. Is this right or crap?

I’ve omitted the link, but you aren’t really missing out. Sadly it isn’t a kooky thread of people explaining how every possible attribute has evolved, just a genuine conversation interrupted by someone asserting the above. 

The comment was left on the ever popular sexual selection post I made; which isn’t that surprising because it’s always been a magnet for strangeness. WordPress tells me that people continue to find it via search terms like “is hair sexy” and other such thought-provoking questions.

Also, I feel obliged to point out that yes, the idea is crap.

11 thoughts on “I get mail – BOOBIES!

  1. Funny thing about human boobies is why do they develop BEFORE a girl gets pregnant? It looks like their function is some kind of advertising or signalling.

      • Aren’t teenage titties mostly fat and little lactating tissue anyway? The milk making tubes and stuff don’t really develop until they get up the duff.

        • Whilst it is true that breasts only become functional during pregnancy, this change requires the existing “fat” foundation to build on. Thus they must start developing prior to pregnancy.

          Plus, pregnancy is very demanding on a woman’s body. Asking them to grow a foetus and accrue large fat stores on the chest is likely too much for them to be able to do, so it would make sense to develop them prior to pregnancy when these demands are non-existent.

  2. What’s wrong with the idea anyway?

    I mean, it certainly is true that a girl’s boobies are at their pertest and most attractive before they start making babies and something as conspicuous as this is unlikely to be just an accident of evolution, so what’s your problem?

    • Over a lifetime wear and tear take their toll on the body, decreasing functionality and “attractiveness.” This is called ageing, and is a universally accepted phenomenon.

      This is suitable explanation for why hearts are stronger earlier in life, why the liver can heal itself more earlier in life, why the brain is more flexible earlier in life and so on.

      So why do you feel the need to come up with a new and unrelated explanation for why breasts also change over the course of a lifetime?

        • You see, the issue isn’t really why they go saggy but why are they pert in the first place? The pertness of a virgin (or strictly speaking, nulliparous) adolescent girl are unique to humans among the apes. The breasts of other apes are droopy from the beginning.

          Two questions immediately pose themselves:

          1. What function does the pertness of a virgin girl’s breasts serve?

          2. Why do males find this state of pertness the most attractive?

          Question 2 is easy to answer. Men find pert young boobs attractive because they indicate that their owner is young and hasn’t had a baby yet. Such a female would be capable of giving a man the most offspring since all of her breeding years would still lie ahead of her.

          Question 1 now almost answers itself. The pertness serves to prove and advertise that their owner is young and nulliparous for if she wasn’t her boobs wouldn’t be pert. Aging and the expansion and contraction involved in nursing would have stretched the tissues making them sag. You can imagine her saying “Look at how pert these are! There’s no way I’ve had a baby yet cos they wouldn’t be this pert! I must be young and have all my breeding years ahead of me, you can’t fake this shit!”

          So in short, the pertness of a young girls boobs are an honest signal of her youth and nulliparity.

        • I just got an email from Chris Stringer about this. He says it’s right and he’s gonna mention it in his next book, so there!

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